Saturday, August 23, 2008

Let them Eat Cake

Back in the Paleozoic era about fifteen years ago, I was popular with the Ladies who Lunch. The ones who live in Peapack, eat tiny sandwiches and complain about the help. They would hire me to design their party invitations, personal stationary, and campaign materials for an occasional kid's student council run.

Newsflash, and you might want to jot this down: if you want to kick some major high school ass, get your mommy to hire a professional advertising agency to lock down your run for class president. I am proud to say our candidates never lost an election.

My assistant Dmitri drove down to Mary's place. Possibly, he needed to drop off press proofs for our crushingly successful "Vote chRis" campaign. The first time I had gone down there myself, I met Mary's houseboy who twittered on endlessly about the terrible ordeal of finding ribbon to match Mary's satin pumps.

It was a fine spring day. Dmitri drove through the service gates and somehow took a wrong turn on one of the roads leading up to the main house. Luckily he saw Mary motoring across the property in a golf cart. She gave him directions. He asked her where she was headed in the golf cart. She said, "What's the point of having a pool if you're all sweaty by the time you get back to the house."

Yes, exactly.

Luckily for my soul I found other ways to make a living.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Pack Rats Unite For Art!

Before yesterday's epoch-shattering visit to MoMA, I used to think there was nothing more to picking up assorted rusted roadbooty in the parking lot then rampant OCD. But now I know better. I'm doing it for Art. Because I am obviously on track to become an Artist. And possibly not an Artist starving for a reason.

We saw a Mark Dion exhibit in the CurioKammer area on the second floor of the museum. Dion (b. 1961) "bases his installations on the methods of categorization found in natural history museums. He filled this cabinet with curiousities found in the museum's sculpture garden."

Eureka! I will become renowned within art circles for my provocative juxtaposition of lost pennies and clevis pins. I am going to empty my pockets and start taking this seriously.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Title of my Book will be, "Help! A Large Raccoon and his Two Friends are Beating My Ass COLON: The Story of Defending the Cat Door At Our House"

From: Stacey
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 10:54 AM
To: Erin
Subject: Complex plan of action

Hey there,

Thanks so much for offering to feed our cat while we are at the beach. Ok, so we have a very complex multi-layered approach to the Raccoon Situation. Here’s the Plan:
  • We have fortified the Raccoon Fence with additional sheet metal, duct tape, bolts, WD-40 and ammonia. We are little concerned about the ammonia as it may repel the cat as well as the raccoons. I was a little heavy handed. If you come in and the food is not eaten at all, please put food in the Auxiliary Locations as specified below.
  • Inside the basement, there are two food bowls. One at the bottom of the steps and one at the top. We are keeping this approach because if the raccoons find one food bowl they tend to not go looking for another one.
  • The food bag is right on the top of the basement steps inside the door. Please keep the door closed as if the cat gets up stairs he will spitefully rip our furniture to shreds and if the raccoons get upstairs they will eat everything except the condiments in the refrigerator. They may actually eat the condiments in the refrigerator.
  • There is an auxiliary food bowl on the front porch.
  • There is another opportunity for an auxiliary food bowl on the back deck. In the old cat box Tom attached to the top of the fence. Unfortunately, turns out, the raccoons can shimmy up there, but if you come in the morning Alex will have first crack. We didn’t put anything in the bowl in there now, thinking it is for emergency use only if all other tactics fail.

You’ll get a purple heart after this one.

(PS: The radio in the basement blaring WPLJ, Hits of the 80's, 90's and Today, is the last prong in our defensive strategy. Do not be alarmed.)

Sunday, August 10, 2008

How much for that Weed Wacker?

Mary's mom heads over to the neighbor's house for the yard sale. All the goods are spread out over the yard. She browses.

Until somebody comes out and tells her they're just cleaning out the shed.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Tom and the Mysterious Hair

"Look at this hair in the cat bowl. It's black and white with a sprinkling of tan. Do you think it is Alex's hair? I hope it's not a raccoon hair."

"I'm going to pluck a hair from Alex for comparison purposes. Probably the most exemplary hairs are in his hindquarter."

"I didn't actually hold the two hairs next to each other. But I think the hair in the cat bowl came from Alex. I really hope it came from Alex."

"The other option is we could put piles and piles of food outside so the raccoon doesn't have to come inside. But that would only be only if we were really desperate."