Saturday, January 29, 2011

Into the Lair of Werewolf Boy

infiltrating wereboy's radio frequency

When it comes to babysitting sleepovers, I go pumpkin at say 8pm. It takes me about six hours to get ready for bed and handle critical tasks like playing Angry Birds. So when I heard my five year-old nephew had a thing for ringing in the wee hours, I immediately crafted a plan. Although beautiful in its raw simplicity, admittedly the plan lacked a more detailed timeline and rigorous statement of purpose. Mostly I just figured we'd head out into the backyard and do tiring things.

I told Mark that we were going on an adventure in the forest. Where the terrain is savage and requires a lot of running to and fro. Specifically for the under 10 set. My nephew nodded in what I mistakenly assumed was mild-mannered acceptance. Then he declared, "While we're out there, we need to hunt down Werewolf Boy. My arch nemesis."

Oh. Indeed.

Game on. I am so in.

Given the change in overall mission, proper equipment was of course required. We shambled out to the garage and collected the bare essentials for a dangerous woodland sojourn through enemy territory:

1) Jumper cables
2) 1 broken umbrella
3) 2 bungee cords
4) Blue and yellow blacksmithing gloves

Stealthily, we crept up the hill. Low to the ground. OMG!!!!! We've been spotted by Werewolf Boy!!!!! Run over there and hide behind that tree! No, not that one! That one is rigged with plasticine Kpop fandango boy eaters! You must run way over to that tall branchy one up there!!!!

Finally we summited the trecherous slope above the patio. Our hopes plummeted when we caught sight of the deer fence protecting the perimeter of Werewolf Boy's lair. We donned our blacksmithing gloves to be safe, and that was lucky because the fence was electrified!!! Passing through without getting a skull-rattling shock would be a problem.

Mark and I debated our options in very quiet whispered tones with absolutely no whooping. Finally we settled on an ingenious plan. We took the jumper cables and attached one end to the fence. We clamped the other side to some sticks we dangled from a tree using the bungee cords. We waited thirty seconds for the power to drain from the fence before scuttling around it through a giant pile of leaves. OMG!!!! Werewolf Boy has detected a breach in his security system!!!! Run away!!!!

At the far edge of the neighbor's yard, we felt safe enough to halt our mad dash. We collapsed next to an abandoned ancient teepee fort slash fallen tree. Mark suggested setting up our Bonehead Spy Communication Station within the old ruins. We opened our umbrella collapsable satellite dish and wedged it into some high ground. From there, we monitored secret internal Werewolf Boy communications. I couldn't understand what they were saying because Werewolf Boy speaks in code. good thing Mark was with me! He was able translate and realize the weird old dish we found was actually an explosive device set to blow up in T minus five seconds. Run away!!!!!!!!!

I think Mark was in bed and out like a light by 7:45. I don't know for sure because I was already asleep by then.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Going to Hell on a Hand Scooter

If the time I almost beheaded the midget in Whole Foods didn't tip me into the abyss, it's now a done deal. I am going to Hell. I did not actually run over the blind lady with my new scooter, but I did get tangled up in her cane.

Since it was only a near miss, I thought I might have dodged the damnation bullet, but then Mary informed me that, "To blind people, a cane is like another finger."


I'll be spending the weekend working on scooter speed and endurance in case the townspeople chase me around with torches.