Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A tiny wad of testosterone causes blindness

Usually, I don't pay much attention to chauvinists I encounter. Nothing I say or do will change their outlook, it won't be fun, and I'm nothing if not picky about how I choose to waste my time.

The most annoying chauvinists are the ones who don't even know they're chauvinists. How occasionally rather smart men can be so fucking dimwitted is beyond me, but this phenomenon is not uncommon in the wild. Let's take my former tax accountant as a case study. He fancies himself an advocate of women. He has volunteered for organizations supporting women in business.

You see, he can't think of a better way to spend the afternoon than with some sexy ladies. This is what he informed the female controller and bookkeeper who work for me. He smiled indulgently and brandished his belittlement like he was their king delivering a coveted grace.

Had my controller mentioned this incident earlier, I would have fired that flabby ass accountant months ago. As it was, it's the cow running around after the barn doors have already been closed.

Here's an interesting timeline. 8 hours start to finish.

  • A few weeks ago, I asked this accountant to refer all correspondence on a particular matter to me. Instead, as he emails me early in the morning, he took it upon himself to handle everything himself.

  • I write an email highlighting my displeasure. Besides the above bullshit, I also bring up a conversation I had a problem with for various reasons. A conversation between my (sexy) controller and the accountant the day before. My controller had told me all about said conversation the second I had shown up at the office.

  • I send my admittedly unvarnished email only to the accountant. One recipient.

  • The accountant replies, cc:ing others at my company. Multiple Recipients. Who all work for me.

  • He writes in his reply "all your points are bogus and unwarranted."

  • Then he calls up my controller and berates her for "leaking" the conversation they'd had.

  • I fire the accountant. Like a boss.

  • I tell my controller I need an accountant, not a daddy.

  • The accountant is terribly confused. I mean befuddled. "Nothing like this has ever happened before," he says, wanting to "discuss this misunderstanding." He speaks to me like I am under some obligation to indulge him.

  • I look at my watch, note the time, and decline. 

#chauvinist #womeninbusiness #sexism #womenentrepreneur

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Maybe Tom should stick with the zombie games...

"You threw your pick-ax off the side of the mountain and now you are trying to mine with a bed."
- Jackson, 6, gives Uncle Tom some Minecraft insight

Sunday, February 02, 2014

Who hasn't woken up the day after with a glittery dragon tattoo?

The first thing I noticed were Megan's special blue cocktails. The stemware twinkled blue. And everybody wore blue.  The evening was bona fide, especially after Shannon expertly stuck a blue dragon glitter tattoo on my forearm. Although I've never had a book signing thrown for me before, I can state with some confidence that it will probably be all downhill from here.

Fyire Blue cocktail at Megan's

Three days later, over by the bench presses at the gym, a big dude in a doo-rag asked if he could take a closer look at my dragon tattoo. He studied it carefully and asked a lot of "how to" questions. I felt like I was on some kind of sweaty arts-and-crafts show where the next segment would feature "quarterbacks who crochet" or how to trompe-l'œil a hunting blind.

Looking all tough guy at the gym with my
3-day-old Dragon Glitter Tattoo

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised after what happened Saturday night. We wedged ourselves in one of those slightly seedy clubs in the LES watching a new band. I stood near Karen, whose arms are bathed in some pretty intricate ink. She was in the army.

In a fast, yet very unstealthy maneuver, Karen reached over and poked my forearm with the tips of her fingers. I was like WTF? She shrugged. Just wondered what it felt like, this glittery curiosity.