Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Rogue Officiant Dress and Imaginary Conversations

I found myself hauling ass down East 9th. My morning had begun with time to spare, but so quickly can a simple errand turn into an excursion whereby I whip out my credit card and the salesgirl advises me that the best way to officiate a wedding is to "go rogue." 

Single Red Stretch Knit 'Meg' Slit Neck DressMy original itinerary was solid. Before meeting Tina at MoMA at noon, I would go to Meg and drop off Darcey's dress. The zipper needed fixed and everyone had agreed that I was to wear this dress, Darcey's dress, to officiate Karen and Anna's hitchin' next Saturday. Except I decided to just buy the exact same dress because it really is a fantastic dress and there was only one left and they will never make this dress again, ever. 

The whole affair proved time-consuming. Add an extra five minutes for me to gleefully imagine the moment when I informed the wedding party that I would not wear the dress I was supposed to wear. I would wear another dress. That was exactly the same. In my mind, this would be hilarious. 

And then Tina texted me at 11:37 to say that she was early and already upstairs canoodling with Jasper Johns.

So I found myself hauling ass down East 9th to catch the 6 uptown. Seven girls spanned the sidewalk before me like a Red Rover championship team. I attempted to get around them, between them and breathe on the backs of their necks in hopes they could take a hint. The girls retained their human barricade formation. 

I popped out my earbuds and said, "um, excuse me please."

The girls parted and I zipped through their ranks. Just as I was shoving the music back into my ears, I heard one of the girls say "They walk very fast here." Five steps later, and way too late, I realized she had said it in Swedish and I cursed under my breath. 

What a fucking priceless opportunity I had just blown. I could have replied, in Swedish, "Yes, they certainly do." 

Except in my imagination I would have come up with something better and I would have said it in a timely fashion.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Bunny Farts & Friday night with Mom and Dad

©Full Bunny Contact
My first choice for Friday night was Full Bunny Contact, but Tom didn't want to go. He said my parents wouldn't enjoy Easter Egg cage fighting. I said we didn't have to actually get in the cage, we could just watch. I also said Dunk the Savior looked like fun. You get 2 balls for a buck and a chance to see if Jesus really can walk on water.

No one agreed so I hatched Plan B: A short experimental theater piece entitled "Odor in the Court." The one-act began with Judge Rita, a 6'2" Cissy Houston protegee, bellowing a few soulful songs concerning Hiney Hiccups, Butt Trumpets and crop dusting. Then, her skinny and pale bailiff hooked thumbs in gold glitter suspenders and broke out into a lilting ballad about the great boxer, Gaseous Clay.

I glanced at my dad. He was hunched over in his seat taking notes.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

LinkedIn Profile Picture Fashion Touché

James Bond LinkedIn
Profile Photo
Mitch: "You should not be wearing a tuxedo in your LinkedIn profile photo."
Me: "Why not?"
Mitch: "It looks like you're trying to be an international spy. It's a reach."

Me: "What if you're James Bond? Would you criticize James Bond for posting a photo of himself in a tuxedo on LinkedIn?"

Mitch: "James Bond is a highly competent international spy. He would not be dumb enough to put a photo of himself on LinkedIn."