Sunday, May 29, 2011

5 Things that Chap My Hide

  1. Foaming soap that does not foam, but splooges into your hand like half-rabid Smeagol spit.

  2. Salmonheads who refuse to stand aside to let the people get off the subway before they push their way onto the subway. Way to create a completely unnecessary melee of full-frontal collisions! I paid to ride the E train, not participate in a fucking sumo wresting pick up game. Luckily, I’ve noticed the culprits are inevitably a squad of fat girls in bedazzled shooties so you can always stomp on their toes.

  3. People who fancy themselves stoic and warrior-like yet suffer from frequent episodes of quiet whimpering and resolutely do nothing to attenuate their tragic contretemps, which may or may not involve the 1 train, movie selections and/or vegetarian tacos.

  4. Citizens on a crowded escalator who stand to the left like solid walls of ass barricading those of us with places to go, people to see attempting to hurry past them.

  5. Multi-packs of toilet paper sold on soap.com that look normal in the pictures but are actually sized about right for a barbie dream house or an aborigine powder room. Are you kidding me? I clutched a 12-pack of double ply in one shaking fist. Read the fine print, wary consumers because images may not be shown to scale on soap.com

    http://www.soap.com/products/Charmin-Ultra-Strong-Regular-Roll-2-Ply-White-65827
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