Friday, April 24, 2015


You know you've become the worst sort of cantankerous dilettante when it takes longer to order your cocktail than catch an Uber in the suburbs. I told the waitress I wanted Jameson with baked-apple bitters and a citrus zest. Not a splash of juice. No juice. None.

I tighten the eye contact and spell all this out with my finest enunciation. I do this because I’ve learned the cold hard truth about mixologists. They are coy. They slip in a splash of their peche or aperol or bespoke walnut liqueur or their spiced honey whatever. And I become unhappy with my evening.

If the establishment does not have Jameson, no one should offer me bourbon and they should not offer scotch and they should not offer rye. They should expound upon the virtues of another brand of whiskey for Christ’s sake.

Furthermore, and let’s be clear on this: I want my drink in a rocks glass and I want it on the rocks. I do not want sad little chips of ice. And I do not want any glass with a stem or a triangular silhouette. Some people may have mastered the art of drinking from such precarious glassware without spilling all over a bystander's feet. I am not one of those people. 

Tom sits there and rolls his eyes. He orders a microbrew. Our drinks arrive. Mine is great. His beer is warm. The waitress tells him that “cask beers" are always warm. Tom sends it back anyway. Ha ha ha, I think out loud. Such irony.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

8 Things I Learned This Week

1) If you take the key to your gym locker into the sauna and set it on the bench next to you, when you pick it up on your way out, a brand of a key will be burned into your palm flesh.

2) If you go into a Williams and Sonoma retail store to buy a contraption to elegantly shred parmesan cheese, you will realize your mistake almost immediately. The salesgirl will approach you and ask if you need help. You will say, “Can i use this flat grater thing here to shred parmesan cheese? Or how about this cube one?” and she will say “either one,” and walk away. Next time, just go directly online where there are paragraphs to guide such important cheese-oriented life decisions.

3) If you google search terms like “medical cost of thiazolidinedione induced edema” for your job, ads for high BMI sandals like these will pop up in your Facebook feed:

4) You will always, 100% of the time, forget to take your computer power cord on a trip. You must set up a meeting on your outlook calendar right before you're scheduled to walk out the door entitled “POWER CORD POWER CORD POWER CORD DON’T FORGET TO POWER CORD A LASSO FOR THE RODEO, COWGIRL." For extra insurance, invite others to this meeting.

5) If you have tendency to go weird and hypoglycemic without frequent snacking, chomp on a glob of almond butter before bedtime. Some internet guru said you will sleep better.

6) Do not wear your husband's size 14 sheepskin slippers while walking on a treadmill. Your feet will sweat and your left big toe will develop a sharp inexplicable pain that will go away in a few hours but just kill you while it persists.

7) After cleaning lady day, always remember to double check that the removable hand-held shower head is firmly stuck back into the main shower head. Because it is likely to drop out smack onto your head and whip around like a wild animal spraying water all over the place and you will get squirted right in the eyeball trying to recapture the fucking thing.

8) It is a common memory technique to remember a list of items by imagining walking around your house and picturing the items in your list in particular spots in or about your furniture. You can also use this technique to remember where the stuff you lose all the time is located. You just actually place your stuff in particular spots in or about your furniture. 

So literally meta.