Waiting to Get There. Usually on the A/C/E in Chelsea, New York City.

Andrew asked me why there were little girls screaming in the background when I called to tell him we got Guitar Hero for Christmas. I should have said it was because since we got Guitar Hero, my fans won't leave me alone. But I didn't think of it fast enough. I have trouble thinking at all surrounded by piercing war whoops and powerful tiny fisticuffs. I hate it when I'm in the YMCA locker room at the same time as the junior high girls' swim team. "Courtney give it BACK!" "I mean it Courtney. GIVE it BACK!" My survival response is to crank up the iPod and try to avoid the swarming.

The mail lady is not our friend. After the snowstorm, for a whole week, she resolutely refused to disembark from her vehicle to deliver our mail. The snow plow dudes had fluffed a smallish mound of snow directly in front of our mailbox which prevented drive-by mail delivery. Maybe we should tip her more. So the day after Tom went down with an ice pick and a shovel and chiseled away at the mound, we burgeoned with excitement. We hauled up forty festive pounds of holiday catalogs and Christmas cards from hair salons the old owners of this house frequented on or before 2001 when they moved to Florida. But amidst the immediately recyclable, the 2008 Randolph Guide to Garbage glittered before my wondering eyes. I was more excited about getting it than I'd have been about an official Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle . Every year I read it cover to cover. Did you know that even during Spring Clean-Up Big Trash Week, you cannot throw out a boat? That ship h...

Overwhelmingly the guests were fuzzy. Glittery and fuzzy. I had a hard time keeping my hands to myself. It was calling my name, all the velvet and fur and fluffy silky feathers. I fit right in since I decked my alltogether in Grammy R's cashmere sweater and the black mink coat she wore to the Waldorf Astoria in the winter of 1935. Tom, me and our fellow partygoers swanned about Suzanne's lovely crib. Mid-evening, there was a well-attended tour that included a looksee at Margaux's tricked out playroom and Preston 's man-room. Michael K was looking buff as a gold button. After the recent ice storm, he shoveled his entire driveway so the cleaning ladies could park their mini-van. Except when the girls arrived, they decided to do a Uturn in front of the neighbor's house and they slid the entire way down the neighbor's driveway. So Michael had to go shovel their driveway too. Lynn went all limp and dreamy-eyed over Michael's strength and stamina. Melissa ro...

Yesterday for dinner I had a can of cranberry sauce. It wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. But canned goods are extremely convenient. In my experience.

I started to write a book for tween-age girls in 2002 and the last page only got locked down so recently I remember doing it. Scott hooked me up and submitted my two hundred pages of writification to Leonardo Dicaprio's agent's company. I got a "recommended with reservations" checkmark right before I got tossed in the slushpile. For months, I've been sitting on the agent's coverage comments like a sand bag sits on the sofa. Until now. Now I am inspired. I'm gonna bundle this thing together with coverage comment spackle. Here we go! AGENT COVERAGE COMMENTS: Meeting Maldova brings up several universal themes that will surely help young audiences connect with the story. There is good use of the self awareness that everybody goes through when trying to make friends and fit in at a new school. Danielle second guesses every decision she makes because she wants people to think she is cool until she is comfortable with her new group and gains confidence. Maldova ...

The story goes that when Omas* and his wife and kids flew the whole way to England for a visit with the British in-laws, it was a busy time of year for the old birds. Banging around inside their big house in the shire. Yet despite busy schedules, grandpa took the trouble to set up a tent in the backyard for his daughter and her family. But this is the part I like the best. About the mini-fridge. Set up so the Omas family wouldn't get their food mixed up with grandma and grandpa's. Points for handy camping know-how. Never underestimate a red-coat, I guess. *Name changed because otherwise my mom would get pissed off.

I wonder what happens when you plug two devices into your computer at the same time. I'm bold like that.

Gloriousness overfloweth when you finally construct an outfit to wear with those kickin' orange fringy clogs. Hallelujah!

What does Tom say when you tell him you went to the library with Lara to drink beer? Why the hell did you go to the library? It seemed like a good idea at the time, what can I say. After scouting all available library locations, we opted to hole up in the back of the periodicals section because there are no serious readers in the periodicals section. We clustered the chairs into a fort and stared menacingly at any of the faker bookworms who ventured into the vicinity. What do you call it when you crack your beer in advance of the cough that is supposed to cover up the noise because you happen to be in the library and it is very quiet and you are not supposed to be drinking beer? A premature ejaculation.

We got up at the crack of seven AM. Practically. And we were out the door as soon our to-go cups sloshed with coffee. Randy Stine* and I. Tom was going to sit this one out. He was hellbent to maintain his record-breaking streak. In every race so far, for all time, he's run a personal best. The kid just keeps getting faster and faster. So my brother's plan for today bunched up his knickers. Sethie recruited us to run on the RU Facilities Racing Team and the idea was to run together. Meaning I'm the lowest common denominator. And Tom wasn't about to blow his harefooted laurels on a stacey-speed trot in the park. So he broke out his incognito alter-ego, Randy Stine, to participate. Randy has a predilection to sign up for competitors' mailing lists and engage in other nefarious activities that Tom doesn't want to have any part of. Including running nine minute miles. So I embarked on the 3.2 mile adventure with Sethie and Randy, my two escorts. I don't know wha...

A "duathlete" is the new "biathlete," as my brother saw fit to point out in ALL CAPS. I'm assuming "biathlete" has come to refer to those sportsmen who play on both teams. Sethie is troubled by such goings on. After I accused my nutchie brother of being a smartypants entomologist, my pop helpfully noted that entomologists study insects. Etymologists are into words. So carry on. Now that you know my fambo remorselessly endeavors to squash me under the bad vocabulary "reply all" bus. Dad discusses his lifetime running and biking stats: My 1st recorded running milage was 1976 with 332 miles. My 1st recorded biking milage was 1981 with 2005 miles. My best running year was 1980 with a whopping 1880 miles. My top biking year was 1988- 6847 miles. Every year between 1982 to 1987, I ran at least 1100 miles (except a 984 in 1985. Why did I stop just 16 miles short of 1000?) and biked 4100 miles including 1983 when I biked 4155 and ran 1618 miles an...

In an act of environmental diligence having practically nothing to do with messy packrat tendencies, this fearless ink slinger assembled two months worth of Confidential Information. All mailed by JP Morgan Chase . To one household. An average law abiding household. With no relation to any Vanderbilts or Rockefellers or Hiltons. This morning, I put on safety glasses and earplugs and a white lab coat. I fired up the shredder. After four hours of backbreaking labor, I meticulously collected all the shredded JP Morgan Chase Detritus into one extra large Hefty bag, and measured it to be 26" tall by 19" in diameter. Because of my dedication to hard science, I enlisted a Certified Professional in Soil Erosion and Sediment Control. My brother calculated the volume of the JP Morgan Chase Detritus to be 4.2677 cubic feet or 7,374.7 cubic inches. Since my stash of JP Morgan Chase Detritus represents only one-sixth of year, I used a formula in Microsoft Excel to extrapolate that this...