Waiting to Get There. Usually on the A/C/E in Chelsea, New York City.

The turkey vulture eyeballing me through the bedroom window.   I woke up this morning feeling beady eyes gazing longingly at my forehead. I think I heard the smacking of thin yellow beak lips. A turkey vulture menaced me through the bedroom window. He had obviously flown in for the vulture jubilee on the grass out front. A forelock here, a ribcage there. Is that floppy thing a pancreas? Turkey Vulture Jubilee Further investigation revealed a trail of blood dripping up the driveway and over the yard. I'm a jot leery when it comes to predators who can spread their main course over a fifty foot radius. Am crossing my fingers that our dinner guest is nocturnal or this Easter Egg Hunt could go horribly wrong.

Thanks for the heads up Michael Goodson  I was way too drunk for only 9 pm. Nonetheless, Tom said I won the Q&A. We were front table and center at the Sam Lipsyte "The Fun Parts" book event , which also featured Mike Doughty wearing a suit. Sweet and sexy  Dave Hill , moderator, completed the trio on stage.  A lumpy woman flailing her arms around in the corner earned the first slot in the Q&A. She began, "I write for a living also…" and paused dramatically, toying with the edge of a cream-colored scarf rakishly tossed over her head. It hung like vanilla frosting dripping off a danish. Two hundred writers within earshot synchronized an intricate eye rolling sequence. I took the lull as an opportunity to order more bourbon. Sam bustin' a move It is my firm belief that there is no need to suffer the absence of self-awareness when you can rejoice in it. Accordingly, Writer Woman continued, "I write non-fiction since I'm a histo...

This might be my new thing: reviewing albums in ≤2 sentences. My quest for brevity is no slight on the effort or artistry exerted to make the music. It is more a commentary on music reviews. I feel they could be shorter. An Awesome Wave by Alt-J Reviewed after 673 plays . An eerie, juicy and awkward wildebeest straddled by a lead singer I imagine has a large adams apple. Fucking awesome. Buy  Alt-J on Amazon City By the Sea EP by Vinnie Carauna Reviewed after 269 Plays Nothing is sexier than a punk-guy singing about his feelings and his fear of dying in his car. At first, his gravely voice distracted me, but then it didn't and I'm fully in love. Buy  City By The Sea Lonerism by Tame Impala Reviewed after 343 Plays Wispy and watery, Lonerism is hard to grab onto. You have to wait; it seeps into your bloodstream on its own time. Prepare for a slobbery addiction. Buy Lonerism at Amazon A Thing Called Divine Fits by Divine Fits Reviewed a...

One of my favorite bearded, tattooed Swedes has resided in the United States since 2000. Last Saturday night, he leaned on the pool table, chalked up his cue and said conversationally, "You know what I learned this week? The word 'sweatpants.' For fifteen years I've been calling them 'soft pants.' "Oh," I replied and jammed a cocktail napkin up my nose because I was laughing so hard it had started to run. The Swede grumbled that no one, fifteen years worth of no ones, had bothered to correct him when he announced, "I'm off to the gym in my soft pants." Or, "I wish I had a hoodie to match these bitchin' soft pants." Kort ≠ Kåt It is no secret that I don't exactly have the high ground on foreign language vocabulary. In Swedish, I can turn a phrase that makes the back of your knees sweat. Luckily, I tend to get fast feedback. I know it is quite likely I've erred when a friend begins shrieking that I d...