Sunday, November 18, 2018

What happens when you call your Mom's cell and your dad picks up - (No)NaBloPoMo Day 18

Pop with Mom in background this
summer getting ready to leave for a bike ride.
In the middle of a conversation with Pop, he says he has to go. He and mom have lunch plans. I hear Mom in the background yelling to hurry up.

Dad abruptly says goodbye. He's irritated, I can tell. He's half way through a good story and now the last part will have to wait. The ending will be ruined when he has to rehash the whole thing next time we talk.

In my imagination, I see my pop press the button to hang up.

Then he walks out to the car and gives my mother her cell phone back. She tucks the phone in her handbag.

They drive off.


Friday, November 16, 2018

The incident at Tom's gym with the jacket - (Na)BloPoMo Day 16

When Tom was done running his three miles on the treadmill, he went into the locker room to retrieve his jacket. He had hung it on a hook on the far wall.

Except his jacket, not on a hook. He stood there for just a second before he realized the terrible truth: He had not hung his jacket up in this locker room.

He must have turned right instead of left in the hallway and hung his jacket up in the women's locker room.

Tom hatched a clever plan. He would loiter outside the women's locker room and wait until someone came out. Then he would tell her that his wife had hung up his jacket in the women's locker room, but then I had apparently left in a hurry and forgot my husband's jacket hanging on a hook in the women's locker room. Admittedly, it was not the perfect story, but he felt it was good enough for the situation.

Unfortunately, he never got the opportunity to test out his ploy. No one came out of the women's locker room and Tom gave up. There were like zero women in the entire gym. He went up to the front desk and said to the two employee dudes, "I did something really stupid."

Both of the dudes turned around and their eyebrows went up, just waiting for the stupid thing that they'd probably have to go wipe up with rubber gloves.

After Tom related the tale, the one dude said, "You can just go in and get it."

Tom immediately felt tremors of PTSD. He vividly recalled the sheer terror of the only other time he'd accidentally walked into the women's locker room. He was 12 at his dad's racquet ball club. "There were ladies in there," he explained.

Tom told the employee dude that he didn't feel comfortable marching into the women's locker room. So the dude went with him and knocked on the door. They waited awhile and then he sent Tom in to get the jacket.

Tom got his jacket without incident.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Half Way! Phoning It In! (No)BloPoMo Day 15

Yesterday I was so excited to be T-1 day until half way, and then today I totally forgot about the entire endeavor. I have been completely distracted by the snowstorm and I’ve been lighting candles. Not because I fear the power will go out, but because I’ve decided that fire freshens up damp and/or dusty air. Tom believes this is spectacularly false. If you do too, then fine. I’m lighting candles in case the power goes out.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Just call me Mikey (No)NaBloPoMo Day 14

We were out to dinner with a friend awhile back, let's call her Tracie. She said, "Have you tried chlorophyll drops? They're amazing."

I was like, "Seriously? What do they do for you?"

There are a lot of benefits to chlorophyll, it turns out. A lot of benefits.

I like remedies with long lists of non-evidence based benefits, so I pretty much had a bottle in my shopping cart by the time we finished our entrees.

Maybe a month later, I get a text. "Did you try the chlorophyll?"

I write back, "Yep!"

Tracie replies, "Do you like it? Because if you like it, I'm thinking about giving it a go."

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Spicy pants - (No)NaBloPoMo Day 13

I bought these cotton reusable bags for vegetables and herbs instead of plastic. You wash your veggies and then toss them in the bag. When you use up the veggies, you put the cotton bag in the washing machine. Good as new.

Except sometimes you might put the bag in the wash when it's not quite exactly empty.

Tom: "Why is there cilantro inside my jeans?"

Monday, November 12, 2018

Thanks for the mansplain, asshat - (No)NaBloPoMo Day 12

I cruise over to an empty bench at the YMCA and put a weight down on it. Just as I lean over to start a set of rows, I hear an "excuse me."

I stop and turn around.

photo credit:

"This is my bench," says a twenty-something bro.

I stare at him. It's the only free bench. The gym is busy. The bench had sure looked unoccupied from all angles.

"So can I work in?" I say in my most snotty voice.

"Uh sure," says the bro. He looks surprised that I hadn't just pushed off. He clearly doesn't realize I've been lifting since probably before he was born. I probably joined this YMCA when he was in kindergarten.

As I'm finishing my set, another bench opens up. I turn to the bro and motion toward it.

"Oh no," says the bro. "That guy is coming back. You can tell he's coming back because he didn't wipe down the bench. You should only use equipment after someone lets you know they're done with it by wiping it down. It's like an unspoken rule."

Ha ha. Yeah right. This is the ratty YMCA we're talking about, where only the rare soul wipes down equipment and it's kind of a pain in the ass when they do anyway. There's always a line for things and the wiping just smears around years of germ buildup while prolonging the down time.

I leave to go do lat pull-downs or something.

I come back for my next set. The other nearby bench -- still empty. I roll up to it and do a whole set. Then I decide to do a couple of bicep curls. I do another set of rows. I rattle around a whole lot on that bench.

Bro looks over.

I shrug. "Guess that guy left," I say. "Thanks for the tip though."