Thursday, November 30, 2017

NaBloPoMo Day 30

I probably should find a gif of someone high-fiving herself. Or maybe a real quality dab or a Heisman maneuver. Meanwhile I'll crank up Ode to Joy super loud and the air shall erupt with sparkles. A smoke machine would be cool.

Because this is -- drum roll please -- NaBlaPoMo #30. Count 'em kids. 30 posts, 30 days.

*drops laptop and twerks twice*



Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Tom and the cat emojis - The Penultimate Day 29 of NaBloPoMo

Tom came home from work looking a little bewildered. I asked why.

"Remember that guy, the one I kept seeing at a bunch of triathlons? He's a real Ironman muscle guy. Very fast." said Tom.

I nodded and had no idea where this was going.

"We were swapping messages on facebook about a workout plan. He wrote that he'd coach me and it would only cost $5. I wasn't sure if he was kidding."

I uh huh'ed.

Tom goes on, "I didn't know what to write back. Seriously, what if he's only kidding? But then again, what if he's not kidding? I thought about my response for a really long time."

This had to be going somewhere. You'd expect there'd be a story arc of some kind.

"Finally I decided to write back 'I'm In!' with a smiley face. Then I'd wait to see what he replied. At that point, I should know if he's kidding."

Right, right, I said. You'd expect you'd know at that point.

Is that a litterbox?
"I was having trouble with my keyboard. I plugged it in and then I unplugged it and jiggled it around and finally it was working, so I sent my reply."

That's good, I said. Sucks when ye olde keyboard is on the fritz.

Tom shook his head. That wasn't his point. He says, "Here's the thing-- when I actually looked at what I sent, instead of sending 'I'm in!' I sent two cat emojis."

Oh, I said.

"I sent another message real quick, like 'I don't know how that happened!'
He hasn't written back yet."

I laughed so hard the neighbors' dog started barking.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Peggle on the Big Screen - Nothing on the Small Screen - NaBloPoMo Day 28



It is true. We do play a lot of peggle on the big TV. Mostly when there's family and friends around because:




When you achieve great Peggle success, it's better when people you love are all around throwing pillows at your head.

I considered getting a game of some kind on my phone - not peggle because once you go big screen you don't go back - but like Tetris or something. I heard a podcast where an expert said that Tetris is great to play in 5 minute increments during the day as sort of mini-yogic retreat. Let me restate - as a don't-have-to-move-your -lazy-ass kind of mini-yogic retreat. Sounds fine.

But I never did pull the trigger on the download because I was appalled by the privacy policy or lack of privacy policy on every single game I looked at. No, I will not give you access to my camera and microphone at all times, thank you very much game-maker person.

And so, that is the end of this story.

Monday, November 27, 2017

My gift from Ella - NaBloPoMo Day 27

A few years ago, my niece Ella gave me this necklace as a gift.


A couple months ago, just after her tenth birthday, she walked by my dresser, saw the necklace and said, "I can't believe I gave you a necklace with my own name on it, Aunt Stacey."

I said it's one of my favorite gifts because I smile every time I look at it.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Things that are Annoying - NaBloPoMo Day 26

Last week, we were at that comedy show-- the one with the twenty comics stumbling around in the zone called "not ready for an audience." The host of the show opened with a bit about how she is wildly annoyed by people sipping their coffee from mason jars on the subway.

Not #1: Coffee in Mason Jars

I am not annoyed by people sipping their coffee from mason jars. It's a little hipster twee... like I wouldn't be surprised if I saw a unicorn sticker on the mason jar or some homage to beardsmanship. Even then, I wouldn't care.

Also Not #1: Slow Walkers

You can't have a list like this without the chestnut of all annoyances to kick shit off: Slow walkers in the city. I could say I'm annoyed by people walking slowly on the sidewalk, but the target of my annoyance has shifted. I'm now less annoyed relative to the individual persons engaged in the slow walking and more annoyed by the entire scenario of being trapped in the middle of a short-legged horde and occasionally bopped with a giant quilted handbag.

My annoyance is tempered by the fact that I alone put myself on 5th Avenue in the fifties on a Sunday afternoon. So-- no. Slow walkers are not #1 on my Annoying List because I feel, to be truly annoying, the source of the annoyance has to be out of your own control.

#1: Self-Righteously Annoyed Captions

Here's something annoying that maybe I'll go with as a start: The Saturday after Thanksgiving, a facebook acquaintance posted a photo of a crowd. This crowd was huddled in front of the Starry Night painting at MoMA.



This facebook person captioned her photo: "I hate people."

I became annoyed by this caption.

Seriously, dude. You go to MoMA the Saturday after Thanksgiving and you're shocked and amazed by the crush of tourists admiring probably the only painting they actually recognize in the whole damn museum. Go on Wednesday at in the middle of winter like any self-respecting New Yorker for chrissake we're all old enough to know better.

Ok.

Yeah, you're right.

I should unfollow this person and, with a simple click, evaporate this annoyance. I'm re-thinking beginning my list with this one. Give me a do-over, ok?

#1: Being asked for advice on how to sell personal hygiene products at a fair

I'd call myself both annoyed and baffled in equal measure when someone asks me for advice on how to sell personal hygiene products to consumers who are attending a fair, when I have never sold personal hygiene products to consumers who are attending a fair.

Yes, this is a good one to start with.


#2: Being asked again for advice on how to sell personal hygiene products at a fair

It is yet more annoying when someone, someone to whom you've just explained you have no experience selling personal hygiene products at a fair, informs you that yes you have sold personal hygiene products: you did so at your first job out of college.

You say, good memory, because your first job out of college went down almost thirty years ago and to the best of your recollection, at that job you weren't really selling personal hygiene products except in the most tangential way.

And then the person you're conversing with replies that you were, in fact, highly successful at this job and they demand advice on how to sell personal hygiene products at a fair. Clearly you are withholding this crucial information because you are unhelpful and disagreeable.


#3: Someone who refuses to believe that you may not have been highly successful at your first job out of college, and who still wants your advice on how to sell personal hygiene products at a fair

Let's just say at your first job out of college you would quit work everyday at around 2pm and pursue other endeavors that were not exactly conducive to on-the-job success. At best you were a B or B+ employee and it was definitely for lack of trying. It was also before the internet.

So for #3, let's call it annoying when someone insists, even after all this, that they know or remember better than you, and you were in fact highly successful at your first job out of college. So could you write out some notes on how to best sell personal hygiene products at a fair.



I suspect this is not what Sheryl whatsherface had in mind with her leaning in. She should write a chapter on what to do when someone chases you around with a "compliment" so they can force you to give advice on selling personal hygiene products at a fair.


I need to learn to smile and walk away is what I need to learn. My current strategy of backing away slowly and trying, but utterly failing, to be polite is clearly insufficient.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

The guy in our building - NaBloPoMo Day 25

I get in the elevator with a guy and his dog. I've seen him before. The elevator doors close. I wait, because I know something's coming. It doesn't take long. He says, "That's a gangsta handbag. Gangsta."

I nod my head. My handbag is kind of gangsta. It has silver studs.

I smile. The dog inches a little closer to me. The guy goes, "She likes the ladies." I pat the dog on the head.

I get out on my floor.

I just started reading Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Letham which is great. The hero has Tourettes. So on that day I figure out the guy in the elevator also has Tourettes.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Cards Against Humanity Snafu - NaBloPoMo Day 24

I think we have every set of Cards Against Humanity. Someone gave us the first few sets as a gift and then we bought a couple and then we got a few more as gifts. We have boxes and boxes. It's important that this be fully realized, because it's my main excuse.

We have a pile of loosely child-friendly cards haphazardly jammed in a box lid. We break them out when we play with the niece, nephews, grandma and grandpa. These games are hilarious. The kids go giddy with laughter. One time Jack laughed so hard he went airborne. When he came back down, his little tushy crashed right through the bottom of a plastic lawn chair and he still has a scar. In other words, this is the perfect game for Thanksgiving family fun.

However. As most know, neither Tom or I are known for our spectacular attention to detail. For example, today I inadvertently picked up the wrong box of cards for our game. Instead of the box of cards censored for the kids, I picked up a different one.

It could have been a whole lot worse. I had a suspicion there might have been a mistake made when I got the "a slightly shittier parallel universe" card and Jack gave himself hiccups when he won a round after playing "That Ass."

Grandma's eyebrows drilled through her forehead moments later. She clocked me on the forehead with two cards on the smutty side. She said, "I do not want to have to explain to anyone what these mean."

Fast as lightening, I switched out the one box for the other box, but any cards people had in their hands remained in play.

The next round, the question is, "No matter what, Anderson Cooper spends fifteen minutes every day with.... (blank)."

Someone played "The Chronic."

Ella wants to know what this is.

Tom, Mary and I search each other's eyes for the right way to go about the explanation. Grandma jumps right in, "It's like heart disease or diabetes," she says. "Or like grandpa and his high cholesterol."

That'll do.