Thursday, March 15, 2007

Congrats, You're an Asshole in the Gym

Here's my suggestion for a new addition to the Asshole Notification Card series. And my very own rant.

* * *

Now you can confront assholes in the gym. Let the *new* Weight Room Asshole Notification Card do the talking for you.

The card reads:

Congrats, You’re An Asshole

Assholes, such as yourself, rarely can wrap their heads around the idea that their little shenanigans are clear indicators of assholeness. So, here are some clues for you on your journey of self-improvement:

  • Contorting your body in strange out-of-control violent twitching spasms because your little girly self can't actually lift all the weight you pulled out of the rack.
  • Piling up many sets of free weights around your person like you're trying to build a fort.
  • Leaving your weights on the floor while you flirt with girls who are pretty sure you live in your mom's basement and she picks up your discarded underpants so you never learned to clean up after yourself.
  • Sweating all over a bench and not wiping it off because you're a rock star and the girls go wild over your verile hairy self.
  • Wiping off the free weights or the bosu balls even though you haven't left a trace of sweat, while other people wait, clearly enraptured by your slow deliberate trek over to the paper towel dispenser and your subsequent brisk, peppy rubbing.
  • Dropping weights, followed by some looking around to see who's watching you lift weights that your tiny and tender wrists can't hold onto long enough to set on the floor.
  • Loud grunting reminiscent of how you might shake out a turd.
  • Reading In Touch magazine while parked on the ab crunch machine, failing to notice that the ab crunch machine does not feature one of those bubble hair dryers and that the YMCA is not a beauty parlor.
  • Loudly gossiping about some tasty girl who's "wastin' it savin' it for marriage or like whatever" with your clique of penis-yentas by the water fountain.
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