Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Don't Mess with the Bubby


My Bubby has a nurse that visits and tells her things she already knows and insults her cooking. But really, what does the nurse know from kugel? She may very well be a goyishe kop because of course Bubby uses the oil. The recipes call for the oil. And everybody loves a Bialistock. Bubby loves a Bialistock. Nowadays the bialistock are not like the ones from Julie Brothers on 174th Street in the Bronx, but feh, they'll do.

This nurse, she is fat. She hauls around a tuches and a half. Who is she to tell Bubby to exercise? She needs to take her own advice, this nurse. But Bubby read an article about the fat people. They do not eat lunch with others, the fat people. They go out into their cars to eat lunch alone, because of the Cheetos in the backseat. The fat people hoard nosh in their cars so they can go crazy with the Cheetos at lunchtime.

So yesterday, the nurse comes over at one o'clock, right when Bubby was fixing herself a sandwich. She always fixes herself a sandwich at one o'clock. Bubby asks the nurse if the nurse wants a sandwich too because Bubby can certainly fix her a sandwich if she wants one.

But the nurse says she did not want a sandwich and Bubby nods her head slyly. "I didn't think you would want a sandwich," she says.

Turns out, the nurse only keeps carrots in the car.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Tom: Disrobing

“Why is there a ‘#1’ written in black sharpie marker on the back of my running underpants?"

"Oh."

"These are your Dad’s underpants aren’t they? He’s the only person I know who numbers his underpants. We both bought the same kind and they must’ve gotten mixed up in the wash at the beach."