Sunday, October 23, 2011

At Least I Can See The Crazed Woodsman Clearly

It's been a weird couple months for me and medical professionals. After so recently chatting up my PCP in the dark, I am largely serene about yesterday's peculiar eye exam. My appointment started out normal enough. Dr. W asks me if I had done anything fun over the past couple months, and I reply that we had "gone hiking." 

Immediately, the doctor slides back in his eye doctor stool in slackjawed disbelief. "Hiking?" He pauses, shaking his head. Unable to form the words to express the gravity of his message. Finally he manages to say, "And were you armed?"

I mumble incoherently because it's tough to talk with that giant steampunk double monocle optical contraption locked up under your chin.

The doctor is unconcerned about my lack of concrete response. "I want you to know that whenever I go hiking, I always carry a small Beretta which I conceal in my backpack. There are crazy people out there in forest," he says. "Read the last row please."

"Very good. Now the other eye. My brother-in-law is an E.R. physician in Tennessee. It's so horrific. Do you want me to tell you this? It's always tragic with the woodland events." Dr. W gravely taps his black plastic eye patch spoon on his leg. 

"Ok, I'll give you just one example. This couple went camping. Two sex offenders wielding heavy logs attacked them. Luckily, the husband had a twenty-two and he shot the criminals dead. If he hadn't had the weapon... Look down and to the left, please."

"If you don't want to carry a pistol, I recommend a blowdart. Look to the right now and keep your head still. There are blowdarts you can pick up for about forty bucks at ColdSteel.com. Fairly accurate targeting. With practice, you could definitely hit an aggressor on the neck or head from a range of approximately ten to fifteen feet. Which can you see better, one? or two? One? or two?"

I notice Doc W has fresh outdoorsy breath when he gets in tight to dilate my pupils.

"Very good. Hey, when you go on coldsteel.com... Do you want me to write the URL down for you on my prescription pad here... I saw a blowdart model that appears to be an innocent walking stick. But the handle comes off and it's really a blowdart."
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