Sunday, September 20, 2015

A Burning Question, and Small Rant, about Happy Hours

You might be surprised to hear I have a question about Happy Hour protocol. You might be surprised because it’s common knowledge that I excel at Happy Hour, mainly due to relentless skill training. 

Here’s a scenario from Happy hour on Friday to tee up my inquiry:

Me: “How was your week? What’s up with you right now?"
Random Happy Hourist: “Oh nothing."
Me: “Didn’t you have some hobbies or pets or something? How do you spend your time?"
Random Happy Hourist: “Umm."
Me: “Any TV shows you’re into right now maybe? Or…” 
Random Happy Hourist: “Well I like to hike."
Me (relieved): “Oh awesome, where have you hiked most recently?"
Random Happy Hourist: “I don’t hike anymore. I haven’t hiked for years."
long awkward pause.
Me: “I think I need another drink, yeah."


Prior to attending a Happy Hour with friends and friends of friends, should one take a blood pressure reading to confirm one is still alive? 

That’s what I want to know. 

I also want to know how you can exist in new york city and not come up with a random point of note. Something you read or did or heard or saw or stepped in or got hit by or can’t unsee. 

For example, just yesterday I managed to not be able to unsee this person in Chelsea sporting a belly shirt so short her triple E rock hard underboob was exposed right up to the nipple. She also had on tiny ass jorts and light blue lipstick. Lots of light blue lipstick. Like she gave up coloring between the lines and just slathered her whole chin. I did not mention this at the Happy Hour.

Another thing I didn’t mention is my apparently sketchy ability to fill out forms like a normal person. I say this because I signed up for Readly and they asked me to check some boxes about my demographics and job and interests so that they could suggest magazines I might be keen on. Here’s the results returned:

Magazines the Algorithm selected for Me


Ad Age. And “Cat Life” magazine in Swedish. I DID NOT, AT ANY TIME, CLICK FELINES AS AN AREA OF INTEREST. This whole experience left me a jot leery of the interwebs.

But you see what I mean.


So much of great importance to happily ask questions about and happily answer questions about. So little time in an hour.  

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Things I heard recently

Thing I heard myself say to the salesgirl while purchasing a gift certificate at Athleta:
"This will be a gift."

Things Tom has asked Siri:
"Can I freeze lunch meat?"
"Will my Garmen work in my pocket?"

Important thing I made sure everybody knew:
"Mustard belongs in open glass containers. Mustard shall not squirt."

Thing I heard myself say this weekend while searching around for my M.I.A. new jeans:
“I know I came home with my jeans on. If I was at the restaurant last night without pants someone would have mentioned it."

Best thing shrieked at Siri:
Guy on 17th street cackling into his phone: “HA HA HA” and then angrily deleting whatever Siri thought he said. Over and over again.

Thing Tom said after running:
"You know they say how chocolate milk is a good recovery drink? Well I took it one step further and got a Dove bar. A cart was there when I finished my run and I got one. I was like oh. my. god. It was the best thing ever."

Things people said that I wrote down and now cannot remember what was going on:
"You're like making a clone of your cat with his own hair."
"The Swiss really haven't gotten teriyaki down. That's why they import it."
"Listen, I got a fork in a pot."
“Who here hasn’t searched for ornamental chickens online?"

Things Tom has said about incidents with dryers in bathrooms:
"Does my hair smell funny? The hair dryer made a noise and then it started blowing smoke onto my head."
 “The bathroom in there is really small. I leaned over to flush and the hand dryer on the wall turned on and dried off my ass." 

Also there's this:

Thing I Observed Recently