Things I heard recently

Thing I heard myself say to the salesgirl while purchasing a gift certificate at Athleta:

"This will be a gift."

Things Tom has asked Siri:

"Can I freeze lunch meat?"

"Will my Garmen work in my pocket?"

Important thing I made sure everybody knew:

"Mustard belongs in open glass containers. Mustard shall not squirt."

Thing I heard myself say this weekend while searching around for my M.I.A. new jeans:

“I know I came home with my jeans on. If I was at the restaurant last night without pants someone would have mentioned it."

Best thing shrieked at Siri:

Guy on 17th street cackling into his phone: “HA HA HA” and then angrily deleting whatever Siri thought he said. Over and over again.

Thing Tom said after running:

"You know they say how chocolate milk is a good recovery drink? Well I took it one step further and got a Dove bar. A cart was there when I finished my run and I got one. I was like oh. my. god. It was the best thing ever."

Things people said that I wrote down and now cannot remember what was going on:

"You're like making a clone of your cat with his own hair."

"The Swiss really haven't gotten teriyaki down. That's why they import it."

"Listen, I got a fork in a pot."

“Who here hasn’t searched for ornamental chickens online?"

Things Tom has said about incidents with dryers in bathrooms:

"Does my hair smell funny? The hair dryer made a noise and then it started blowing smoke onto my head."

 “The bathroom in there is really small. I leaned over to flush and the hand dryer on the wall turned on and dried off my ass." 

Also there's this:

Thing I Observed Recently