Waiting to Get There. Usually on the A/C/E in Chelsea, New York City.

Yesterday, in the company of my elusive art-buddy Afrodite, I saw the work of Martin Ramirez. The crayon musings of a psychopath, it is said. My opinion of the reputedly mute and underweight artisan remains TBD. If I were a bigger aficionado of trains, convex lines or Madonna I might lay my bent in some direction. As it stands, I am more excited by my new leg vise purchased on eBay from a blacksmith in Nebraska. Kyle Corbett played some mean guitar in the main gallery later on. To improve your viewer experience, I would have swiped one of the outstanding photographs from his web site, but they are copyrighted. During the introduction patter, I thought Kyle said one of his two percussionists played the "bass." I figured the instrument was some kind of new-fangled bass drum. Turns out, Kyle had said he was playing the "vase." And a very nice vase it was. Tall and sort of African-looking.

When I was four, I got a Jungle Book record player for my birthday. I loved it. I would shimmy around and leap from the bed with great height and flair. My dad taped a dime to the top of the needle to stop it from skipping when the floor shook. Tune Storage and Cataloging : Not Like Today I stored my music collection in a special little box with a flip top and a brass latch. It had originally belonged to my pop. As a teenager, he would buy the old 45's that got replaced in jukeboxes. This was in the Bronx. The "buying" part is probably alleged. I would track my favorite tunes by making strange squiggly notations on the record labels with a Sharpie marker. Which is why the records currently have no value and just one example of my mother's brinksmanship: she boldly entrusted her 4-year-old with a stash of Sharpie markers. Top Ranked Tracks Five-star favorites included Dead Man's Curve (Jan & Dean), Do You Believe in Magic (Lovin' Spoonful), Rama Lama Ding

So I hear this song on last.fm and I love it. It is tagged as "Crap Hands [Bonus Track for Japan]" by Beck, a native Californian. Beck ~ Crap Hands [Bonus track for Japan] I can't find the mp3 anywhere. Finally, I google a list of every Beck tune ever made. I locate my song. Except it's called "Clap Hands" on the album released here in the states.

667. The Neighbor of the Beast.

Before you read this post, you may want to check out Hazardous Waste After Band Practice and then Belt Me. ------------------------- From: Andrew To: The Band Sent: Tue Mar 27 14:40:35 2007 A black velvet jacket-thingy was found in the basement last night. There is an odd smear of icky-goo on the shoulder. Based on size and flair of style, I am assuming this is Stacey's. Seriously people, what the hell? Do I have to build little wooden cubbies for you like this is kindergarten or something? If this continues, the penalty for being a bad band member will be to wear all of these lost articles while we practice. Right now that is a hell of an outfit. ------------------------- On 3/27/07 6:00 PM, Marc wrote: The jacket is not mine. The goo will will require further investigation... ------------------------- On 3/27/07 8:00 PM, I wrote: Black velvet? Gawd. I don’t think I have anything black velvet. Especially not with goo. If I try it on and it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

Tom and I had dinner with Andrew last night. We learned Six Key Facts about Andrew that everyone should be aware of: In a crackdown of financial prudence, Andrew's computer stands accused staggering electricity consumption. The new hot tub has nothing to do with it. Andrew wears a pair of Tracie's grey Champion sweatpants on the eliptical trainer. He rolls them up to the knees because otherwise, the calf-length elastic cuffs would make him look like a colonist. Luckily, he recently got his own pair of sweatpants. They have racing stripes and are quite aerodynamic. For pants. On Friday, Andrew worked his nine to five wearing a cowboy hat. Andrew surrounds himself with a coterie of admirers fawning over his fabulous and tight hoodie. Andrew cut up a fallen tree with Dave's Sawz-All, beaver-style. Andrew organizes his socks by color, but his underwear by age and condition. Although history may provoke some skeptism, Andrew avows he is a for reals blogger now.

Before you read this post, you may want to check out Hazardous Waste After Band Practice ------------------------------------- From: Andrew To: The Band So there is a brown belt in my basement. I am assuming it is Marc's. This is becoming a regular occurrence. Marc, do I need to make you a checklist? ------------------------------------- From: Marc To: The Band Your dog Umlout needed a marker to remember me by. I spoke with him (at great length) and we agreed when you finallly noticed it, I could have it back. Of course if you need me to "marc" a piece of paper I can do that. No belt needed. Ttfn. M- PS: Dude. Get out of the basement. It's Saturday night.

When I open my car door, a whisper of yellowness seeps from the interior. After I get in, the stench blossoms into hardcore bad breath mixed with rot. I have taken the following actions: Removed all the Cliff Bar and gum wrappers in the side pockets Thrown away every empty Propel bottle and coffee cup on the floor Evacuated the pieces of broken fax machine that have been strewn across the backseat for six months Aplogized profusely to anyone lucky enough to be my passenger But the stink remains, undefatigable. My next step may be drastic. I may go to the carwash.

Daylight Savings, 1995. I neglect to "spring forward." At 12:45 EST Tom calls me. I tell him I will be at the restaurant in fifteen minutes. He says he has to go back to work in fifteen minutes. In the nicest possible way, I am forty-five minutes late. But then Tom remembers Eric works around the corner and turns out, is free for a quick nosh. They have their own first date instead. This might be why Tom is Eric's favorite person. But that's another story.

How old are you? I am 92. It's terrible. What advice do you have for the youngsters? Take care of your teeth. What do you think about Mark Twain's hair style? It's ok. I'm indifferent. I heard you got your very first massage for your birthday. How was it? The masseuse said my underwear was very small. How often can you get a massage? Your mom said only once a month, but I'm sure I could go more often than that. I also got two boxes of chocolate, Turkish cotton tea towels (very soft), cider, and face cream. I'm getting English Breakfast tea sent to me, but I didn't get it yet. Would you wear platform high heels if they were comfortable? No. High heels are not speedy. If you were going to learn to speak another language, which would it be? Spanish. The face cream I got for my birthday even has Spanish on the label. Plus, I heard it was easy. I would have learned French but my French teacher wasn't really French. How can you learn French if

Tom interviewed his biggest fan following a recent display of driving excellence: Do you want to watch a replay of me, racing around the course in my best time ever? No. Are you sure? Yes. You don't want to watch me using the manual transmission? I learned how to shift. Do you want to watch me, carsick and barfing on the sofa? technorati tags: PS3 , GranTurismo , VideoGame

"How can I see Tom's YouTube movies ?" "Ohhhh. It's You ... like the second person pronoun." "Ok. Well, I have to subscribe. Looks like I need a user name. I'm going to try FDR." "What's this 'word verification safety feature?'" "Jeez. Now I need to enter my user name all over again. How do you work this word verification feature? They sure make this complicated." "After all that, it said the FDR user name is taken. I'm going to try yz2526. Do you think anyone else has that user name? It's the last two letters of the alphabet, letters 25 and 26. I think I'll remember that. I'm surprised no one else has this user name." "This is the seventh time I'm trying to overcome the word verification feature. After this, I'm done. Is this an i or a t? The line is crossing underneath. What do you think?" "Wait. I already saw this video. Why does it say zero plays?" "Y

Here's my suggestion for a new addition to the Asshole Notification Card series. And my very own rant. * * * Now you can confront assholes in the gym. Let the *new* Weight Room Asshole Notification Card do the talking for you. The card reads: Congrats, You’re An Asshole Assholes, such as yourself, rarely can wrap their heads around the idea that their little shenanigans are clear indicators of assholeness. So, here are some clues for you on your journey of self-improvement: Contorting your body in strange out-of-control violent twitching spasms because your little girly self can't actually lift all the weight you pulled out of the rack. Piling up many sets of free weights around your person like you're trying to build a fort. Leaving your weights on the floor while you flirt with girls who are pretty sure you live in your mom's basement and she picks up your discarded underpants so you never learned to clean up after yourself. Sweating all over a bench and not wi

(If you haven't already, you might want to check out the The original Raccoon Chronicles first.) Throwin' up Signs I knew they were back when Tom launched himself out of bed on Tuesday at 3am. It was a fiery explosion of flying blankets, flailing legs and lightning speed. If Tom had low blood pressure, it might also have been a medical emergency. Luckily, his blood pressure is in the target range for his age group. Tom returned ten minutes later, his expression grim. He sat on the side of the bed and clutched his head between his hands. They.Were.Back. Tom recognized the tell-tale signs... disarray and rumpled, chewed up tax returns. The raccoons had sprayed their muddy gang colors all over the basement. Screw the IRS. Coons play bill collecta in our heezie. Watch out Derrick Jeeter By Thursday, we learned something new. Raccoons are concerned about their athletic performance. They go in for lean protein, eschew transfats. They really like Cliff Bars. Chocolate Brownie ones in

------ Forwarded Message From: Andrew Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2007 14:40:28 -0400 Subject: For Stacey Read this today and figured you should know about it. Garagenous Zone (noun) - The area in which your garage door remote is effective.

"The cat hasn't smacked me in the head at 6am once this week. I wonder what he's been up to. Probably surfing for porn all night. Kitty porn."

March is the month for birthdays of important people. Some of these people are notoriously slippery and camera shy, which is why the press has only been able to locate one photo on file. What one word describes you right now? Magari. That's Italian. In case you didn't know. What does that mean? I'll tell you later.* Very cryptic. Any highlights of this year in your life? I got a Sgt Pepper coat. I love it. It is beige with red trim. I also went to Ireland. On a Magical Mystery Tour? No. Interesting. I happen to know that you, being one quarter Italian and one half Jewish, appreciate food. Can you comment on your favorite fare over the past 12 months? I like mushy tart food. Always have. I decided I don't really like meat. Or hoagies, generally. I figured out how to buy meat in small enough portions so Robbie can have his own portion and I can eat something else. Is there anything else you would like to mention about your heritage? I don't need a GPS in my car becaus

"You don't get to pick your car until you buy the game. And it's not a Toyota Corolla, by the way. No, it's not. I'm driving a 1995 Suzuki Cappuccino." "I'm stuck in the gravel here." "The only reason I ran over the camera man and that little girl is because I was giving it too much gas. My tires were spinning out." "Look out people!" "The crowd is cheering for me. I mean, everybody I didn't run over yet." "I put the brakes on. It took me a while to figure out how to put the brakes on." "It was like I was drunk there at the beginning and now I'm sobering up." "That was neat."

I had the occasion to interview Lynn at her birthday celebration at Chakra "More Salt is Better" Restaurant in Paramus. Speaking of meat, what do you remember about walking the streets of Newark as a young girl? My mother would call up the butcher around the corner ahead of time. She'd tell him what she wanted and give me some money. She would watch me walk down the street from the stoop of our row house in Newark. I must've been maybe five years old. As soon as I turned the corner, I would see the butcher waiting for me outside the door by his shop. Is it true that you cannot recall whether you fast-danced or slow-danced to Led Zepplin's Stairway to Heaven in high school? Yes. That is true. I do recall wearing bell-bottoms and two boys getting into a fist fight over me. Maybe we started out slow dancing and then, depending on the boy, we would start to fast dance during the "as we wind on down the road" jam. Awkward, I agree. Really, I liked Jethro Tull

What do you call a sworn statement by Melissa's boyfriend? An affiDavid.

My Underwear at the Gym I was lifting free weights with my iPod clipped to the waistband of my pants. The gym was full of big guys and their tattoos. I yanked up my Pod to switch the song to Polyamorous Friend by Breaking Benjamin. Which rocks. Unfortunately, the clip was stuck in my underpants so I gave myself an enormous hot pink wedgie. So much for my gym cred. You Are Not the Only One with Nuts in Your Pants The kitchen designer asked us why we want to separate the pantry from the laundry room. Currently, our foodstuffs are stored within an armslength of the washing machine. I said, "Because I am tired of finding mixed nuts in my underwear." The kitchen designer was not sure how to resond. Neither was Tom. He kicked me under the table, which I was not happy about.

Before you read this, take a look at The Show Will Go On ) From: Stacey Sent: Monday, February 26, 2007 11:45 PM To: Tracie What was that bounceback again? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Tracie Sent: Monday, February 26, 2007 11:47 PM To: Stacey This is an automatic reply. I am out of the office on business all week returning next Monday, March 5. If you require assistance, please contact my associate, Eric Cohen. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Tracie Sent: Monday, February 27, 2007 7:00 PM To: BAND I just checked my email and who are you calling a bounceback?! Is that some euphamism for someone with a large resilient derriere? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Stacey Sent: Monday, February 27, 2007 7:45 PM To: Tracie I was trying to get your bounceback message because I deleted it and then rea