Much to consider with these air purifiers

   Recently, I was sucked into a whirling vortex called 'I really think we need an air purifier.' I shopped endlessly on Amazon while breathing stagnant bacteria-ridden oxygen, I'm sure. Despite learning more and more about the stanky horrors floating around, I couldn't pull the trigger because all air purifier options come with backstories that rival Dune for their unnecessary complexity.

Much to consider with these Air Purifiers

Then I got to thinking if I put maybe a half dozen of these air purifiers in my Amazon shopping cart and left them there for a few days, the price might go down. It's happened before. Amazon hates abandoned shopping carts. 

But clearly they don't hate them enough to drop the price in the air purifier department, the bastards. Maybe they could smell my desperation. It was just a matter of time, their data concluded. Correctly.

Finally, the air purifier showed up. I was away, so Tom did the unboxing and set it up. I was a little pissed because the initial readings would of course serve as my baseline and Tom had not prepared a spreadsheet or contemplated any data collection methodologies whatsoever. 

I would have suggested that he turn off the purifier and wait until I could get back and do it right, but then the air quality indicator light flickered and stayed... Red. Bright crimson red. For like several hours. Until Tom went to bed and turned off the unit because "it lit up the room like a disco ball." 

Disco of Airborne Death

Clearly he hadn't consulted the user manual because if so he would have known about Night Mode.

Meanwhile, I became kind of obsessed about the our red-zone air quality. I swear I read in one of the product descriptions that if your air purifier cranks itself up to terminal velocity for days on end, eventually you and your loved ones will transform into asthmatic dark lords with lungs like goddamn withered heaths.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I called the air purifier company hotline and read the customer service representative several rows of data-points from my clipboard. I asked him if we needed to move. He said they set the units at a very high sensitivity. He said I could lower the sensitivity if I got a Qtip and did some poking around. He said he would email me the instructions.

Also, the customer service guy told me that if you walk around the air purifier, dust kicks up and that's the reason I hadn't yet seen the blue your-air-is-awesome light. I spent the next two days trying to sneak up on the air purifier.

Orange light on the Alen Air Purifier.

Now, the light is mostly orange. I guess this is ok, given the ongoing high sensitivity because I have this thing against Qtips ever since Sharon's earwax rampage. Orange is better than red at least. I can’t help but think we dodged a bullet there.