Waiting to Get There. Usually on the A/C/E in Chelsea, New York City.

 Let me just cut to the chase because I know you're on the edge of your seat: I survived.  It's not like I have a reputation for getting lost in Brooklyn for no reason. I've taken to Brooklyn like a duck to merchant banking. I've been lost for hours trying to find subways and speakeasies. It's harder than it looks on a map, trust me all you cocky bastards.  Luckily, there's friends and Uber drivers and yesterday I had both. First, Renya "picked me up" out front our apartment in a grand scheme to walk to the Osprey in Brooklyn where we were meeting Kate for a late lunch. Or "brunch" as this is called in New York City. Our hope was to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and orchestrate a unique and charming selfie like these people did: Millions of Instagrams  on the brooklyn bridge Ha ha, no. I would never take a selfie on the Brooklyn Bridge with one exception: If I were being held hostage and had the opportunity to outwit my captors by pretending ...

 In the middle of the night, Tom sits straight up in bed and shrieks, really loud, "OHHHHH HO Ho Ho. HAAAAAA!" I almost go into cardiac shock. It's really disconcerting.  This happened at 3am, btw. I know this because we have data. We also know from the data that Tom woke himself up with his wild caterwauling and he was awake for 26 minutes. Which he complained about. Meanwhile, I was basically up for the rest of the night with heart palpitations. In the morning, I asked Tom what the hell. He said he was dreaming he was in a Kookslams video and a guy was about to get hit in the back of the head by a big wave. Something along these lines:  Kookslams videos: https://youtu.be/ytWzEhqdkeI On behalf of my bedraggled nerve endings, I'm strongly suggesting Tom lay off the Kookslams before bed moving forward. They are not good for my health and well-being.

Tom might be the next Disney princess. Wherever he goes, he's surrounded by chattering forest creatures. The whole thing began when Tom started to sit out on the deck with a three pound bag of trail mix. He bought the trail mix without checking the ingredients and sulfites is like the third ingredient listed. I refused to eat it and I guess Tom followed my lead. So he sits out on the deck feeding forest creatures trail mix. It's like the bosom of Abraham if you're a rodent: Tom feeds forest creatures Mostly Tom was feeding this one squirrel. When he first started feeding him/her, the squirrel was really a sad sack of squirrel. It had a giant weeping welt on its one side that was a total open wound. The squirrel was also a skinny with bedraggled fur. Tom also fed a few chipmunks.  He refused to feed the other squirrels, who he claimed were mean to his squirrel. Many days I find Tom outside feeding his new friends. One afternoon, he told me that his squirrel now refuses to ea...