Tom is a certified bourbon professional now and also, New York City is #1

Scott told Tom he was going to take a trip to Kentucky. Scott was going to take a class, and actual for reals class. A culminating-in-an-exam kind of class. Scott asked Tom if he would like to come along on the trip to Kentucky and also become Bourbon certified. 

"Sure," said Tom. 

The point was to become a certified bourbon professional and a member in the oddly named "Stave and Thief Society." I looked up the Stave and Thief Society online to make sure Tom wasn't secretly looking to moonlight as a second story man. The Stave and Thief Society kind of sounds like a place you'd go to get your pocket picked by someone dressed like Steven Tyler. 

But I digress.

Tom passed the exam and is now a full-fledged member
of the "Stave & Thief Society of Bourbon Professionals

Scott and Tom set off on a Sunday afternoon, their flight arriving in Louisville KY in time for dinner. Ha ha. Turns out, almost nothing is open on Sunday evenings in Louisville, KY. They wound up having damp suburban-style tacos at the only restaurant in town willing to defy the Lord with holy day business hours. 

After dinner, the two of them decided to go to a highly commended bar (and the only one open) to try some cocktails that, theoretically, should be amazing given their proximity to the epicenter of the bourbon universe.

Well, first of all, the bar was out of sweet vermouth. Until Wednesday. Wait, Wednesday? As you may or may not know, sweet vermouth is a key ingredient in ninety percent of bourbon drinks so this could pose a challenge if you're a patron trying to order a bourbon drink.

After Scott and Tom figured out a bourbon drink that did not include sweet vermouth, the bartender did that thing tourists seem to enjoy-- pouring the bottles from high above her head in a showman-style move that does not scream "measuring with any accuracy." As might be expected, the drinks were not so good. Mwah.

Anyway, I say all this to validate why I never order an Old Fashioned (etc.) anywhere but Manhattan. And Brooklyn. In these two boroughs, if you're a bartender and you don't know how to make a perfect rendition of the drinks on your menu... it will not go so well. 

Meanwhile, there is a sad upshot of New York City bartender competence: we, who have become accustomed to exquisite cocktails with big square ice cubes and fruit that is actually muddled, we are ruined for pretty much anywhere else. (I know, my life is a challenge.)

OK, maybe I'd include like Hudson, NY on the "do not fear the beverage" list, but only because 3 out of 4 people who live there are expats from Park Slope or the West Village. 

But good news-- now that Tom is fully certified, he can perform scholarly due diligence and test out drink caliber in advance? (Right?)

But if Tom is not around, or has not pre-authorized the establishment, I will continue to order my out-of-state drinks straight up with ice on the side. 

So I can inspect it first.

Even in Louisville, KY
....where I will never visit anyway due to their legislative disdain for women.