the morning of Tom's colonoscopy

 

Things started out about as well as can be expected when you get up about two hours earlier than usual and decide to not have coffee before heading out because there's a Starbucks right across the street from the colonoscopy joint and how long could it take to drop off Tom and head over there?

Bad call on my part.

I escorted Tom into the colonoscopy center and then went back out to the car. I put the key in the ignition and noticed someone had sent me an email which I decided to reply to. Did it take 5 minutes? idk but by the time I turned the key in the ignition, the battery was dead. 

I called Triple A. While the Triple A guy was on his way over, I decided to pop the hood and you know, take a look at the engine. Maybe I'd even be able to find the battery. I go to yank on the pop-the-hood latch under the dashboard and... it's busted. It's hanging there very limply. 

I pace around in the parking lot until the Triple A guy comes. His name is Duane. I say Duane, my hood won't open.

Duane says, well you'll have to get your car towed then. He makes to drive off.

I'm like STOP Duane. I see a wire in there behind the hood lever latch thing. Can you get some pliers and try to pull on the wire?

Duane is not happy with me but he gets out of his little pickup and finds his pliers and basically pulls the entire wire right out of the car because the wire is, turns out, not actually attached to anything.

Duane makes to drive off again and I have a tussle with him to remain idling in his vehicle because I'm calling Tom's brother, who amazing with cars and I'm crossing my fingers he has a plan for situations like this which I can embroil Duane into helping me execute. At that exact moment, the colonoscopy front desk calls me to say Tom is in recovery. 

My brain may have exploded, and I'm a pretty fair multi-tasker if I do say so myself. I think I asked Duane if the procedure had gone well and explained to the nurse the wire was busted and hung up accidentally on Tom's brother.

After reconnecting, Tom's brother sadly confirms that if the hood latch thing breaks, you basically cannot open the hood in the parking lot. You have to put the car up on a lift. Duane gets the hell out of dodge shouting over his shoulder I need to call Triple A back and get a tow truck to come. 

They tell me it will be awhile.

I go into the colonoscopy waiting room and pace around, making everyone in there very uncomfortable. I apparently missed my window to go in the back and wait in recovery with Tom. I go back outside again and pace around. Then I go back inside and pace around because the last time Tom had a colonoscopy, I decided to leave and run some errands and then I wasn't there when he was released, thus earning myself a reputation for abandoning my husband at the colonoscopy center.

Finally Tom comes out and I brief him on the situation. Does he want to take an Uber home or what? 

Instead, we decide to walk to Starbucks across a four lane highway. 

TWO HOURS LATER.

The tow truck driver finally is on his way. Tom and I are feeling mighty revived after two hours purchasing Starbucks products. 

I forgot to mention one thing that happened right before we went to Starbucks. Tom started talking about jumpstarting the car. It's a stick. He got in the drivers seat and told me to push the car out of the parking spot to the top of this slight grade and maybe we could get it going. Ok fine, I get that I was the one who needed to push because he just had a colonoscopy and hadn't eaten for 24 hours an all, but you know, I hadn't had any coffee either. 

We made one sad attempt and abandoned the effort.

So the second the tow truck driver shows up, Tom's like, hey man, let's try to jumpstart it!!

The tow truck driver is this 20-something ginger. "It's a stick?" He asks, like he's found a strange and rare beast in the wild. The tow truck driver grins from ear to ear like we're going to perform some kind of magic trick he'll be able to talk about for weeks.

Tom hops in our car again and the tow truck driver and I push the car up the hill. It's a lot easier to push a car when you have an extremely enthusiastic tow truck driver helping you who is on the cusp of basically observing nuclear fusion.

The car starts!!! 

Me and the tow truck driver cheer and we high five each other. Tom gets out and we all cheer and high five each other.

I'm like, thank God I spent my childhood, along with my brother, pushing mom's volkswagon beetle to the top of the alley by our house so she could crank it up on the downhill. You never know when these skillz will come in handy!

The tow truck driver leaves, Tom and I drive the car to the dealer who charged us an assinine amount of money to restring up the hood and change the battery. 

It was fucking exhausting is all I can say.