Pharmaceutical Instruction Manual for Sufferers of Colds and Flus of All Kinds

My latest head and chest cold problem started a week ago. Last Friday, one of the buddhists breathed right on my face. We were over at the Rubin for happy hour when all of a sudden I felt this robust puff of air hit my nostrils. I think that was the start of it.

I've been using my time in quarantine to bone up on cold and cough pharmaceuticals. Here's my collection:

Impressive, amiright?!!

I'm going to take this opportunity to spell out some important take-aways. You are going to want to study this post very carefully so you don't make the same critical errors I made and wind up coughing yourself into a sleep deprived wraith of the night. 

I asked Tom if I kept him up and he just shrugged, but then I found all these ear plugs rolling around on our damp fever sweaty sheets. He's a trooper, that one.

#1: Do not buy any combination remedy.

That's my first tip. None of this Robitussin Cold and Flu or any of the other pharmaceutical grab bags. You need to craft your own cocktail. It's the power move to customize your own remedy instead of overdosing on acetaminophen while you're coughing up a lung. 

Here are your basic ingredients:

Guifenesin: This is your basic expectorant that yanks snot from your chest. It comes as a generic immediate release formula:

or you can get the fancy Mucinex with the extended release formula:



I think there are some pros and cons to the extended release products vs the immediately in yo face products. A different strategic approach is required for each. For the extended release, you need to build up a good base and get ahead of your symptoms. With the immediate release, you can just wait until you're hacking out a tsunami of snot to pop the pill.

Dextromethorphan: This is supposed to stop you from coughing. There's only one kind, Delsym, that doesn't also have Guaifenesin in it that I could find in 3 pharmacies:





There's also this guy that contains extended release of guaifenesin and dextromethorphan:



From what I understand, take the dextromethorphan alone if you have a dry cough. Take it with the guaifenesin if you have a chest cold too. But I'm not a doctor or a pharmacist, so do your own research or go ask somebody who actually knows something. Dr. Google can be an asshat, and all you know about me is that I spent two hundred dollars at Duane Reed.

Benzonatates: I have a new found appreciation for these Rx-only cough suppressants. Apparently they numb up your throat so you don't feel the need to hack up a lung. But you have to go the whole way down to urgent care to get a prescription so think ahead.

Antihistamines: Antihistamines keep your nose from stuffing up, but they also dry out your throat and make you cough more.





Everybody has their own favorite antihistamine, but Allegra (or one of the generic fexofenadrines) are the only ones that aren't supposed to give you dementia with long term use. Ha ha, see I work with the pharmaceutical industry, so that makes me an expert on very specific and random topics.

Then there's your average pain relievers like acetaminophen or advil or asprin. If you read this blog I'm assuming you're the kind of person who knows all about these and have already figured out which one works best for you.

So now that you have your list of ingredients, you can organize your day around your drug regimen. For example, here's mine. It's a work of fucking art. It's also probably highly contagious. It's like the paper version of those small pox blankets that killed all the native Americans.

Keep track of your pills.
Because if you're going to overdose,
pick something more fun than cough suppressants

#2: Work with a professional.

Especially if you have an active allergy which occasionally results in anaphylaxis. I don't mean to brag, but i have a friend in the business:

Thank you, Michael.

Here's a little known fact: You can just bustle right up to the pharmacist at your local pharmacy and pepper them with questions. Who knew they could be so helpful while you blast your germs all over their workplace?

#3: Get one of these masks



Not only does this help prevent you from infecting your husband or other family members which is the nice thing to do, it also ensures that they will continue to bring you oranges and hot chocolate and do your laundry. The second they come down with the same thing you have, you are up shits creek without a paddle, my friend.

#4: Go with the big guns



I used to use this thing a lot before I went to the vegan dark-side and my sinuses completely ceased to be a problem. But I broke out this puppy this week and it's been nothing but awesome for my violently inflamed respiratory system.

I also like this stuff. I originally got it to professionalify my voice for the podcast, but it works like a champ for scratchy throat scenarios:





Good luck solving your own snot problem. I hope this instruction guide proves helpful. Also, if you click on any of these links, I'm supposed to get a commission from Amazon. This has never actually happened IRL, but nonetheless I feel compelled to mention it. Must be the drugs talking.