Friday, June 15, 2007

Ted Nugent and Bat-Shit Crazy Old Ladies : Two Peas in a Pod

Ted Nugent has had a relatively inexplicable run of success. I personally cleared out of the Nuge camp in eighth grade. His sweaty with cat-scratch-fever self opened for Aerosmith at the Hershey Arena. Venue of Champions. He reminded me of Gilbert Godfrey, only more annoying and slightly louder.

"Word up, Captian Obvious." (This is you talking, just to clarify in case your brain missed the turn.) "Everybody knows the Motor City Madman is a hairy, lewd fashion victim. And everybody knows he legally adopted his seventeen year old girlfriend to have sex with her in the 70's. The dude is cocked, locked and ready to rock, doc. Old news, all of it."

So lemme just tell you this: The Nuge is also a sumbitch draft dodger.

Tony told me all about it at my uncle Ron's 60th birthday party a couple weeks ago. Tony survived two tours of duty in Vietnam. And understandably, he's got a little problem with Ted.

Here's the thing: The Nuge did not dodge the draft bravely holed up in a duck blind with manly firearms. He didn't even dodge the draft by escaping to Canada. Not so much. Ted went in for a more arts and crafts kind of strategy. His weapon of choice? Shit. Ted decided to keep his. In his pants. For a whole week right before his army physical. His clever fake mental-illness ploy kept him nestled safe in the motherland while someone braver took his place overseas.

Although seething inwardly, Tony kept a lid on it until The Nuge went on a nationwide speaking tour. Ted was all about chastising college kids to step up and serve their country in Iraq. Tony had enough. He hauled his friend Bruce down to Madison, Wisconsin just in time for one of Ted's lectures. Tony's moment came during the Q&A. He grasped the microphone.

Ted saluted when Tony said he was a Vietnam vet. Right before he had Tony hauled out by security while Tony enlightened the crowd about the Nuge's sordid hypocritical shit-caked ass.

Tru Dat.

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