The family party - a little tale I've been meaning to tell for awhile - NaBloPoMo Day 5

 

A stock photo of a family party with a similar vibe
to the one I'm gonna tell you a little story about

The Precursor to Why I got invited to the family Party

A few years ago when my grandma was alive, I went to visit her at her house in Pennsylvania where she had ultimately wound up. Grammy grew up in the Bronx, got married there and lived in the 'hood until my dad was a teenager.  Ton of cousins and pretty much everyone else who immigrated from the "old country" lived in the Bronx at that time. As my grandma used to say, they came in on boats to Ellis Island by the truckload.  

As we sat at her kitchen table, Grammy mused, "If only I could find out what happened to my cousins? If only someone (she stares at me meaningfully) knew how to work the internets?"

So subtle.

I took to the internets and like T-minus five minutes later, I tracked down one of the cousins. I tell my grandma she is now living on the Upper West Side. Grammy replies with her eyebrows raised, "Well. She sure didn't get very far."

via GIPHY

I emailed the cousin and set up a time later in the week for her to call my grandmother so they could catch up.

(This whole interlude is the precursor to the family party, btw, this intro is taking way longer than I thought it would.)

Anyway, at the appointed time, the cousin calls my grandma. And my grandma, allegedly, picked up the phone and said, "I cannot speak to you now. My son is taking me to the grocery store and we need to leave right now." Then she hung up. 

FYI - my uncle (her son) was not standing there tapping on his watch or anything so it was kind of a flat out diss. Grammy, for all that I miss her like hell, was known for shit like this.

My grandma's cousin emails me with the down low on how the call went. Suddenly I feel like I am an emissary for our side of the family. So when the cousin invites me to her annual holiday party, idk. I probably would have gone anyway, but I felt like I needed to go and be on my best behavior.

We go to the family party

Tom and I roll up to the family party. On the Upper West Side. We are dressed in our best interpretation of what one wears to a family holiday party when one has never met anyone who will be at the party before. We have a bottle of wine and a friendly smile in tow.

The door is flung open by maybe the most attractive young woman I have ever seen in person. She's like model gorgeous. She is wearing an extremely short and bright red kimono. 

Let me stress, it is really short. 

Before either Tom or I have time to react, the woman spits out, "by the way, I have nothing to do with that woman he married."

Then she stands back so we can come in.

"umm, hi? Here's some wine for the hostess....?"

It turns out that my grandma's cousin's husband's brother... (got that?)... my grandma's cousin's husband's brother is the lead guitarist of a very very famous 80's hair metal band. The young woman is his daughter (from his first marriage to a model).  The guitarist had just gotten remarried. It seems the daughter does not like her new step-mother, but that's just me reading into the situation.

Here's another fun fact we eventually figured out -- the guitarist has a stage name, but his real name (edited to protect the innocent) is Stevie Nelson. Stevie Nelson, as aforementioned, had just gotten remarried.

It wasn't just Stevie Nelson who had gotten remarried, however, it was also the new wife's second marriage. She had been married once before. To another guy...ALSO NAMED STEVIE NELSON.

Seriously it was hard to know what to do with my face. 

After some mingling, we finally get around the room and meet the famous guitarist. He is wearing a T-shirt and cargo shorts and a necklace that says "Fuck 40." He says to Tom and I, very cordially, "Hi, so nice to meet you. My name is Stevie Nelson, and this is my wife ... She's slept with many men but she only marries the ones named Stevie Nelson."

Best.Family Party. Ever.