When visiting NYC -- Don't even bother trying to dress like you're *not* a tourist - NaBloPoMo 5

Pop was saying he read an article about how to *not* dress like you're a tourist in New York City. 

I was like yeah, don't even bother trying. (As if he'd try anyway. The most mysterious part of this whole fandango is the how and the why my dad was reading a fashion magazine.)

Anyway.

I said I don't think the math adds up to a net positive, even if a tourist could manage to pass themselves off as a local. Which is doubtful no matter how they dress for reasons I'll get to in a sec.

But I'll break down the "is it even worth it to try to dress like a local?" question first. Let's start here: tourists wear performance fabrics. And you know what, when you're a tourist, you should wear performance fabrics. Performance fabrics keep you warm if you get damp, dry fast if you wash them out in your hotel sink and also pack really small. Performance fabrics are a traveling wonder.

But yeah, if you wear anything performance fabric-y, every local will immediately know you're a tourist. 

So pick your lesser of evils, because people in New York City never wear pants made out of performance fabrics, especially ones that have lots of pockets. We might wear a jacket made out of a performance fabric, but it would be a very specific kind of jacket and if you don't have the right one, you might wind up looking like a wannabe finance bro by mistake. Is this better or worse than looking like a tourist? Only you can judge.

Cross body bags are a really quintessential sign of tourist-ness, except very specific ones. Nothing quilted. Nothing floral. Except if it's cool.

Shoes are also a give away, but again, if you want to enjoy yourself as a tourist and not end Day One with a foot full of blisters, wear your most comfortable damn shoes. 

Because here's the most important part of this: You could be outfitted in the most NYC-all-the-way clothes and you still get picked out as an imposter anyway. 

Tourists do things like:

• They walk verrryyyy slow and meander all over the sidewalk so that getting around them requires skill, patience and fast reflexes.
• They aggressively swing their arms when they walk... at least until they accidentally cup someone's groin with their wayward hand and then possibly realize the arm swinging is a bad idea and stop.
• They talk in an accent that is ... not one of our accents
• They take photos of things that are just regular ass stuff
• They twitch nervously at normal happenings, but seem totally unaware when something goes down they really should be keeping an eye on
• They gather in a broad clump on a corner in midtown waiting for the light to change
• They obliviously do something like the above clumping on the corner or standing around in the middle of the sidewalk, and then loudly complain after getting mowed down by twenty people who are late for work.
• They obliviously but systematically smack a row of subway riders with a gigantic backpack. (srsly - don't wear your backpack on the subway, it's just uncalled for and really rude.Take it off and hold it under your arm or put it on your front, worst case.)
• They are in places where all the tourists go, and if you are there too, odds are, you are a tourist.

So yeah. I guess my main advice is you do you. Except for the backpack. And for the love of god if you're a slow walker, walk in a straight line and let the fast people in front of you.